The Practice of Mattering

My new addition to my practice is writing each day for 15 minutes and posting it as part of my practice of mattering. I feel very vulnerable and inadequate, and yes, I will do it anyway. Knowing I matter is a practice. It is what I teach others and what I am teaching myself: "I Matter."

For many, it is hard to say, "I matter." It is so easy to see that someone else matters. Their mere existence is the evidence. That's why I coach and what makes me a good coach: I can see, feel, and experience it in them.

Many women I coach face the same dilemma. Who am I to think that I could make a significant impact? They arrive in my Zoom calls yearning for something else, for something more. They show up wanting different things in their career, their marriage, as a mother, as a friend, in their health. I coach it all. And the number one barrier to the change they seek is the narrative: "I don't matter."

How I Coach

We begin our coaching journey together by uncovering her core values. This is followed by a deep dive into understanding her "Reason Why"—her impact and contribution. It starts with imagining her future self. Who does she aspire to become? This isn't just an activity—it's fundamental. Every leadership book and every psychology text points to the same truth: real change begins with defining your aspirational identity.

After a raw, unfiltered brainstorm of her future self, I push her further. I ask, "If you showed up as this aspirational version of yourself every single day, what would your impact be on others?"

This isn't easy. I guide her, layer by layer until she can articulate her impact. When she finally breaks through—we breathe. It's a profound moment.

Discovering Her “Reason Why”

Next, we explore contribution—the active, dynamic "how" of her purpose. Does she disrupt? Inspire? Share? Help? This is where her unique energy emerges.

We craft a statement: Contribution + Impact = Reason Why. (Credit to Simon Sinek for this framework)

I ask her to breathe into this statement. Does it resonate? Does it feel right, deep in her bones? When the "yes" emerges, something shifts. She's found something real.

Mapping Her Story

I have her create a timeline—from birth to now—mapping significant moments, highs and lows. As she shares her story, I listen intently, reflecting back the threads that already weave her "Reason Why."

It's a profound moment of recognition. Often the "Reason Why" statement is refined, but the core remains unchanged. Her purpose has always been there, waiting to be found.

Transformative Perspective

She then applies her "Reason Why" across her life: career, relationships, family, community, physical and spiritual self. The transformation is extraordinary.

Her perspective shifts from the importance of being rather than doing. A lightbulb moment: "If I commit to being my Reason Why, my life becomes purposeful. I create cohesion across all aspects of my existence."

The Challenge of Mattering

But here's the most challenging part. After all the insight, the breakthrough, a deep judgment often emerges: "I understand my impact, but I still don't think I matter. Why try?"

Mattering is not intellectual; it is the value we hold for ourselves and the value we add to the world.

Learning to own "I Matter" is a very vulnerable process. The challenge is to see it and know it from within. I nudge clients to change the question from "Who am I?" to "Who am I Not" (inspired by Marianne Williamson).

And this—this is where the real work begins—the journey of learning to matter.